I'm Just Trying to Stay Alive

I’m just trying to stay alive.

I’m just trying to stay alive.

I’m just trying to stay alive.

Those words have stayed with me since Monday and I can’t get them out of my head, so now I have decided to pass them along hoping they get stuck in someone else’s head.

On Monday, the 4^th of July – Freedom Day, I was fortunate to exercise my own freedom and complete a hike that I’ve been thinking about quite a bit over the past couple of months.  When we found out that Bill would be working in Hawaii over the summer, I started researching hikes and other things that we might be interested in doing on the weekends.  Koko Crater Stairs kept coming up.  My head thought, wow, that would be cool, but my head also said it loud enough for Bill to hear and then it was decided. We both wanted to do it, but I was afraid and unprepared.  When I was here in May, I didn’t feel ready.  I needed some “normal” hikes under my belt to get my confidence and endurance up. Well, we did a lot of hikes, but Koko Head wasn’t one of them. I figured I would go home and really prepare, do the Pico Stairs, start some cardio training and go to the gym more. Well…my month at home was pretty busy, not THAT busy, but busy enough that I used it as an excuse, and of course, showed up in Hawaii again unprepared for the infamous Koko Head Stairs of Doom.

Crap! I knew we wanted to do it, why didn’t I train? Now it was going to be harder than I had imagined.

My time here is running out. I was pretty sure that we might not ever make it back to O’ahu for a vacation, so it had to get done. On Saturday we did yet another beautiful hike and decided that Monday would be the day. We had Sunday to prepare, hydrate, and rest. Monday it was. We told people we were doing it, so couldn’t really back out now.

I get this weird, quiet, doubting myself mood going when I get nervous about something. I don’t like that. I’m not good at hiding my feelings, so I know people can see and feel that something is different with me. I drank water all day and Sunday evening at a gathering with friends. I had half a glass of Sangria (don’t worry, I had 3 glasses the next night) and went to bed early. Was as prepared as I was going to get at that point….or was I?  I needed to get my head straight. This was going to be a mental climb just as much as it was going to be a physical climb. On Saturday after our hike we had lunch at Kona Brewing Company, which has a view of Koko Head. That was the point that I had officially started my mental training. I sat there with my beer and sandwich and started giving that big, looming crater the dog-eye. I had some conversations with that beast (don’t worry, not out loud so people would think I’m crazy.) When we got back to the room after the party, I was still feeling off, afraid, and not very confident. I got into bed and started asking for help…from the Universe, from my parents, from friends whose energy gives me energy, from just about everywhere I could think of. I started replaying the words of encouragement I got from Jenifer, Bill, and others who knew better than I did that I could do this.

When the alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. Monday morning, I woke up ready. The fear was gone.  I hopped out of bed, got ready, and we were out the door earlier than we had planned. Boom. Oh, and by the way, headed for that crater without having any coffee!

It took about half and hour to drive to Koko Head. It’s big; really big, and extremely steep. It’s not a beautiful, meandering trail of flowers and tropical birds. It’s 1048 steps made from railroad ties, going straight up, in the sun. At 6:30 it was already full of people going up and people already coming down. One of my fears was based on the fact that I often-times feel like the out-of-shape, old lady and don’t want to get in the way of others. This “trail” is only 5 feet wide and some parts are missing. I knew I was going to have to pull over and rest quite a bit if I was going to make it to the top. Well, not really “if.” I was determined that if I didn’t fall and hurt myself (not the most graceful girl as we know) I would make it. I was hoping to make it up in two hours. That’s the time I had in my head.  It’s only ¾ of a mile up, but it’s all UP, not one level stop the whole way. We got out of the truck and started following others who looked like they were there to climb. We got to the bottom of the stairs, looked up, smiled at each other with that “we can do this” smile and started up. Immediately I felt a sense of community. The minute you step on the first step you are part of a group, a group of people who for each of their own reasons are there early on a holiday to all do the same thing. 

All these people, huffing, puffing, sweating, laughing, groaning, and helping, but one particular man stood out to me. Not because he is 67 years old, not because he does the stairs 4 times a week – 4 times a day, not because he smiled the whole way up, but because of what he said to me. Those words - those six little words that have resonated with me every day since Monday….

                         “I’M JUST TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.”                               

                                                “I’M JUST TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.”                                          

                                                                        “I’M JUST TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.”

I’m not a fan of the term “bucket list.”  I don’t want a handful of things thrown onto a list just to say I did them before I died.  The whole point of a bucket list is planning on death.  That’s not how I want to do it.  I want to do these things because they are a part of LIVING.  I want to do these things because they are an adventure with people I love, they make me feel better, they improve my mental and physical health, and they create lasting memories.  Sure, I’m a list person, and there is a big check-mark in our book of hikes, but I can’t call it a bucket-list item. For one thing, a bucket is too small. I need a new term for these things….hmmmmm….let me think on this.

So, back to the story of the old man. As he was motoring up the stairs, yes, he passed me. I looked over at him and told him he was my hero for the day.  He said back with his friendly, contagious smile and said, “I’m no hero, I’m just trying to stay alive”- and that is exactly what he’s doing. He is keeping his mind and body strong, improving his balance, getting fresh air, interacting with other people, staying active, and helping others by setting a great example, all just by trying to stay alive.  He was my hero that day, and his words have inspired me.

Well, we conquered that beast. I made it up in an hour, dripping with sweat, out-of-breath, and feeling proud and accomplished.  Bill finished before me, and seeing him at the top smiling and waiting, and taking my picture in triumph was a really great feeling. It was pretty amazing up there. Finishers -every one of us had that one thing in common.  Strangers now congratulated each other, exchanges of pats-on-the-back and high-fives were everywhere, and for the twenty minutes we enjoyed the top of Koko Head I felt like Queen of the World. And then we had to go down. A completely different, but equally difficult, physical test.

I leave this beautiful island on Monday. I’ll take with me six weeks of memories, amazing pictures (both mental and digital), new friends, great experiences, gratitude, love, and inspiration.  I will also take back six giant words – I’m just trying to stay alive.